It's Friiiiidaaaaaay

And we know what that means don't we?

Another little slice of the Permission to Feel cake.

Yippee!

We have admirably waded through those trickier emotions like hopelessness, despair, sadness and grief over the last few weeks. Are you singing...?

Of course you are, because to still be standing after that little collection is quite the achievement AND without those we would never have arrived at this week's feeling, which is compassion.

Sorry, do you keep on getting distracted by the beachwear-clad hip movement going on in that image above?

Just me?

*Ahem*

Compassion yes. Compassion is where we feel the beauty and pain of our shared humanity. Which is my absolutely favourite thing because it brings us to the point of realisation that we all have our human tricky things and when we catch on to that, it doesn't matter so much what we call it as the recognition we are all having this bewildering human experience. We have all struggled... and we all have our strengths.

Compassion is a super power emotion ESPECIALLY when we direct it towards ourselves. ESPECIALLY when we direct it towards ourselves at the very moment when we feel utter contempt for ourselves.

Did I read this in a book?

Not before I had lived it.

Years ago, when I was in therapy with my wise and gracious therapist at the time I admitted to something that I had just done of which I wasn't proud. It was your classic head in my hands, daren't look at her, confession.

Now, she was a straight talking shoot from the hip kind of therapist which is just what I needed as I was dealing with the fallout of my loved one's addiction.

'Ok Jacky', she said, 'And now you need to be really kind to yourself.'

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'Kind to myself?', I scoffed, 'Is she hearing alright?' I thought. She was right though. I was human, I made mistakes. I wasn't the angel I tried so hard to portray. I was messy and sometimes wrong and sometimes right and sometimes terrible and sometimes great. All of those times, all of those parts of me made me... me. If I had contempt for any parts of myself I would never feel safe enough to change.

Our not so nice parts need a place in our hearts too.

As Carl Jung said:

I'm not saying bad behaviour doesn't matter. I'm saying that, it's just that, bad behaviour, and when we accept it for what it is then we can change it.

Bad behaviour doesn't mean that we are bad.

That's toxic shame if we feel that way, baby, and that stuff is a biohazard.

Yet we are so conditioned in society to put people into angelic or demonic roles, including ourselves.

People who are in service roles often get labelled as ‘angels’ or ‘saints’. Think back, for example, to the peak of the first wave of the pandemic and the headlines about NHS workers. I remember a nurse friend complaining to me how difficult it was that all the media were painting NHS workers in such adoring terms. As she explained, by idolising these people we are actually creating a set up in which they could not be human and express their pain, frustration and resentment. In fact, what we are really saying is we only see their value because of the service that they provide. Those who offer compassion for others can be in danger of not receiving any themselves.

So, compassion for example, is not clapping for carers, but in recognising that the person has their own needs - as Brené Brown says, a response that ‘seeks to address the suffering and needs of a person through relational understanding and action.’

So as you go about your day today, as you make mistakes (because you will), as you behave not quite tip-top-of-the-tree-angelic (because you will) ask yourself:

'What part of me needs some compassion?'

Then sit very still... and listen.

Let's round off with a poem about compassion shall we? Sure, it would be rude not to!

I wrote this in the car (parked!) one day whilst listening to Radio 2's 'Sunday Love Songs'.

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That's it for now!

'Til next time.

Jacky x

Ps. I have impressed myself with my weekly emails on emotions - over a year in without missing a week. Whoop! I am going to proffer myself some self-compassion for next week though! I am having an operation next Wednesday and recovery is going to take a week or so. I may very well manage to muster a missive next Friday, but let's see shall we? ✨

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